Questions.

SO, it took me a little bit of encouragement to post. I thought about giving up. I just didn't want to post from my mind state. What if I write something that someone takes the wrong way? Well Don't.
Remember that last post- crazy, happy, almost bubbly me? Well that me, is gone back to hibernation. Why? Read on...
There was an incident yesterday- that I can't believe happened. I'm not going to describe what happened- because every time I talk about what happened- I sound ridiculous. Every time I talk about it- I end up crying because it leads to everything that is happened this year and then I go back about 7 years in my mental health. And then I feel ridiculous. I have come a long way to let some "douche" among others do this to me. Should I let him? No. Do I let him? Yes. Why is it that I do this to myself when I am supposed to be "better"? Why I am so embarrassed? Why Do I still feel like I am the one who is wrong for being hurt? Why is it the bully isn't embarrassed? Why am I embarrassed....
And I am embarrassed about what happened in front of 40 peers yesterday- I am embarrassed for my reaction in front of a group of people- I am embarrassed that even after years of discussing that I need to stand up for myself I still can't. It is ironic- bullying is one of my target focuses as a teacher- I have a zero tolerance policy in my classroom (At the church and on placement) and I made it clear that if you make anyone uncomfortable you will be sent to the office immediately. Why do I have zero tolerance for other people and absorb everything said to me?
Unfortunately, as a student- I still can't stand up for my self. I still can't say no this is not ok. All I can do is- think. And my thoughts scare me.
Today- I thought, a few things. Is there a bulls eye still on my head? Will I always be the person who is humiliated. Will I never learn to stand up and protect myself. Will I ever be able to tell someone No, I am not okay with you doing this to me? Will I be a bad teacher because I can't protect myself? You have seen a lot of the questions going through my head already- this is just a sample of my day. Its been a roller coaster.
I have this terrible impulse. It is to protect others. (I am making myself sound like a saint). But it is really harmful for my self. I think about others first. I think about how I want others to feel good and how I would do things to protect others. Once I realize someone needs me or someone needs help I am there for them. (for the most part- I am not perfect). But it becomes a fault really quickly- because I end up in situations like today- where there is nothing left for me.
I am really quick to beat myself up. Really quick. And thats from years of others doing it for me- and now I don't even need a bully. I just need a couple of comments.
And there is a lot of other issues with today. I actually have stood up for this guy before. I liked him. We went on hike with another girl I like. We normally have no problems. Today- he made me sick. Today he made me hate myself again.
Why do I bother to be social?
Why am I so quick to dislike me instead of someone else?
And my biggest concern with all of this- again is not me.. is...
How is this person going to be a teacher? How is he going to be around children?
If he has one student like me he will destroy them. I had a teacher like that- thats why I say it. Yes, I was the unfortunate kid in school to be bullied by 15 other students and a teacher... makes growing up so easy doesn't it?
Well, I hope he realizes being an engineer isn't like being a teacher. He is smart and I would never say otherwise- the problem is he hides behind a mask of intelligence because he is kind of like a really MEAN sheldon cooper- no social skills. Which would be fine if being a teacher didn't require being able to talk to people without ruining their egos.

One of my biggest thoughts of the day is...
Why do you have to be so mean?

Why I might not end up like taylor swift - I will still end up being a superhero to my students because I will never be... mean.