I totally am failing at blogging everyday. I just couldn't be bothered to pull out my computer last night.
But Thursday was a phenomenal day for me. Started off with me feeling kinda excluded. People who were my friends not long ago- or who were my friends- I even wrote a really kick ass lesson plan for them in our one class and they really hurt my feelings a week ago today. Brought me back to a really dark place from my past. I don't want to explain it- just know it was a flashback from the darkest place I have been in my life. I have many techniques to get over this now and I needed them last week. Essentially, it was a really shitty thing they did. It was like being back in elementary school and not being allowed to sit with the cool kids. Anyways, Thursday was a day where I struggled with it again. I had a hard time not breaking out in tears at lunch- where I tried being nice and offering veggies to them and not even getting a look. Luckily someone I greatly appreciate had a meeting with a prof so I used that as an excuse to leave too. I went to go read quietly to get my mind off things.
I was eating and reading when two nice people came and joined me. I realized I was hanging out with the wrong group. These people, while a mix of smarter, prettier then me, appreciated me and I appreciated them. And I need to learn to focus on these positive things- and I totally need to. Anyways they joined me and made me realize that if people appreciate me they will come to me. And while I say "realize" trust me I forget it all the time because of my mental history. Anyways- positive, RIGHT?
Anyways I sat with these incredible people in my methods class and then after class the fire alarm went off. We headed outside into the cold (BRR! I HATE THE COLD!) and then we decided to head into the woods for a walk to warm up. We started to hike the trails to keep warm. And it was incredible! I have lived here for 5 years and never done this before; I was so glad to do it and it made me so happy that I can't wait to do it again. I was concentrating on my environment and the people I was with and I have only found one other thing that calms me down so much. Hiking is equivalent to meditating for me now. I LOVE IT! I want to get snow shoes for the winter and go all over the place! IM IN LOVE! with hiking.
Anyways these people made me feel amazing.
Then, at night I went to the local pub with some of my section people and realized holy crap I was so missing out when I was sticking to just a few people- there are some truly awesome people in my section. People who honestly mean the best, people who genuinely care, and people who really don't like self-centered egotistical narcissistic individuals. So a big thank you to the group of lovely people who made me remember my greatest. After all I am great. That's my new mantra, by the way: After all, I am great.
It isn't that I am better then other people (trust me- I might say or joke that but my mind would never let me believe it- in fact saying I am great is actually my coverup for oh my god, i suck) it just I need to be reminded I am important or significant. Especially if I am the one who gets to give you the important emails from the Faculty of education (so be nice to me).
Another thing that has been bugging me lately is that I am struggling with some of the teachers. I feel that they use sarcasm as a bullying method. There are people who are sarcastic and you can tell they never use it as insults but there are others who hide behind this hidden agenda of bullying through smiles and sarcasm and all I can think is: MEAN GIRLS.
Yes. Mean Girls. I feel like I am living in my own MEAN GIRLS. or some other terrible teen drama.
But positive- after all i am great....
sometimes thats harder to say then other times...
I do think there is a great deal of self-discovery still ahead of me this year- and teachers college is full of enough redundant information for me to give myself a great deal of attention- so that is exactly what I am going to do. After all I am great-
Thanks for the appreciation- you know who you are.
As you can see, I fall behind on blog reading... You are great. And I agree, there are a ton of really nice, interesting people in our section. Just bop around and stay clear of everyone's drama. Works for me! Drama is for people who don't have better things to focus on. I like your idea of focusing on you instead. Much better use of your time and energy.
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